ASSURANCE
You Are Allowed To Grieve For The Childhood You Wish You Had
It is okay to be sad about your past while working towards a happy future.
The more I learn about human psychology and the unhealed parts of myself, the more I long for the beautiful childhood that I did not have, the innocence I lost early, and the love I did not receive.
Whenever I see a child playing around without any worry, and without the conditions of making sense to others, my heart sees it as a reflection of a lost opportunity. I am not saying I had the worst childhood as I had shelter, bread, and clothes to hide me, but I did lose many opportunities to live and have fun like a child.
I always felt alone, I couldn’t relate to the masculine man that my father showed to my mother with his angry tantrum, and neither could my mother understand me as it was beyond them to know what was happening in my mind.
I was a different child, and that difference showed up with my siblings; my mood, desires, and behavior were opposite to my siblings. When they were enjoying life carelessly, I was constantly worried about things around me — a little tense moments could bring nightmares upon my life.
My childhood was lost. It was taken away from me. Whenever I see a child, I just want to be back like him but more than being a child I long for love that I had only fantasized about and could not be able to see in reality.
I assure my heart that life is not all about having the best of your experience. Sometimes losing things gives you something more, and it is sometimes better. Therefore, It is okay to grieve the childhood you did not have.
Grieving is acknowledging that it could have been better, but it is not. It is accepting and letting your heart process the emotions. It may pain you a little, but it does soothe your heart afterward. It may show you your weaknesses, but it does give you the strength to leave them behind. Grieving is critical to moving on, without it you may stuck with your painful memories.
We only have one opportunity to experience our childhood where we deserve to be nurtured unconditionally without thinking about adult responsibilities, but it does make sense that not having it is a source of great pain.
I am no longer a strong boy who can feel the worst of pain yet keep it all to his heart. If I had to cry, I would scream, and if I had to be vulnerable, I would be my authentic self. This is because I do not want to continue being a victim of my childhood, I want to let it be away from me. So, it has to be when we acknowledge the sources of our unhealed pain.
I am learning to enjoy things that I didn’t do earlier. I am allowing myself to have fun when I have abandoned myself. I will no longer be the saddest, the one who takes pleasure in being melancholic and pensive around the world. I no longer want to be the philosopher who thinks deeply about the world and constantly ruminates over existential problems.
I am grieving my innocent childhood and all the opportunities for joy. I desired all of it, yet I missed it.
Some events change us forever, and some cage us within its darkness. Decide that you will no longer be a prisoner of your past, decide that you will grieve yet shine over the pain and the hardship you have carried, and decide that you will choose to heal yourself and never let your little experience take hold of all your life.
You are allowed to grieve your childhood, to embrace the future you wish you had.
Thank you for reading. The blog was written after research and fact-checking, however, it is not professional advice and can be flawed.
